its like a roller coaster when i'm happy i get to the top and there very thing is nice. i am happy for a few days, more like 2 or 3. it's real happiness no dark thoughts looming, just simply enjoying life.

than i come down fat and hard. there no there to stop it, there is no one there, it always happens when i am left alone. i seem to be my own worst enemy, than again since i keep almost no one near me, the only person that would be my enemy is me.

when i hit bottom it's a nasty fall. i come down with an ungodly crash and tear myself apart. soon after there is little left but pieces. remnants that i will slowly rebuild again. unfortunately this process takes week. 3 days of happy, 3 weeks of crap.

people don't really seem to understand these mood swings. and they need not, partially cause i don't tell, partially cause i don't think they can help me. i need more than a friend, i need a lover someone who can really be there to tell it's okay, to hold me and make me feel like i am not alone. someone who can be gentle and stern at the same time, but to want that, to wait for that is dangerous and by the time if find someone it may already be to late. i still hope, but it's only a flicker.

what is happen with me is a battle. logic which demands i be happy, which says i should go get help. logic may some what greater half, the voices the same thing that a lot of people around me say. that i have a problem, that i shouldn't be this way.

than there is the other half. my emotions. the side that current has a greater hold upon me. that tells me i am worthless, that tells i am going to fail, that drives my depression. it's scary how much it has a hold of me, how much it distorts my thoughts and thinking.

i know suicide is bad. that it is one of the most egocentric things out there. to believe that you are so alone when there are people around. that no one can help you. that death is the only exit out. but i don't blame those who commit it. it is hard to believe that other when you minds has become to set. may be in death do they believe they find salvation from themselves, maybe in the attempt when they reach so that those around around will give them the attention and care they need. maybe they are just tired of it all. i know i am getting pretty tired.